|
|
Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
| |
6:59 pm - New job
|
I was raised by a borderline mother who was equally likely to hit me as to hug me, and a distant air force father whose job sent me to 3 different high schools in 4 years. It would be an understatement to say that I didn't have much stabilty growing up.
When I left home at 18, I found a place of stabilty in my life. For the first time in my life, I had found a home, and a wonderful person who accepted me and loved me in a way that nobody in my life to that point had even been capable of. For the first time in my life, I was actually happy.
Even though my new job is a vast improvement over my last one in every conceivable way, it's still a big change in my life. I find my thoughts completely consumed by memories of the last time I thought I had stabilty, and the circumstances by which a single, determined homewrecker was able to take it all away. Although I should be happy, and filled with pride over this most recent professional accomplishment, I find it impossible, because I just can't escape the thought that I'm doomed to a solitary life and a lonely death, all because there will always be a man who has everything who wants the one good thing in my life.
current mood:  sad
|
|
|
| Monday, September 14th, 2009
| |
11:45 am - BPD
|
Have you ever described a feeling, reaction or thought process to a therapist, only to be met with a confused look or even the words "I've never heard of anything like that. Are you sure?", followed shortly by that therapist telling you that he or she can't help you any more, but best of luck?
Well, I've had it happen 4 times in the last few years.
Here's the funny part. I recently picked up a book called "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem". Every single one of those feelings, reactions and thought processes, and many, many more I didn't dare share, are all in this book. They're normal for somebody raised in the environment I was raised in.
Now I have even less faith in therapists.
The book is kind of spooky, because there are a several parts of my personality which I thought were the result of conscious choices and hard work on my part, but are also outlined in this book as being "normal" for people like me. So much of it is so accurate that I'm actually starting to question how much of "me" is really me, and how much is the end result of some terrible, inescapable program.
It's a bit like being handed the script for your own life and finding someone else's name on the cover.
Disconcerting.
current mood:  indescribable
|
|
|
| Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
| |
12:22 am - Borderline
|
People who've survived a borderline parent most frequently suffer from "feelings of worthlessness, fear of abandonment, and fear of people in general," according to Randi Kreger, co-author of the bestselling Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. Because these adult children received "such mixed messages—you're a great person one day and you're horrible the next—there's a certain mistrust of people because you're always afraid they're going to hurt you." Kreger advises that they find friends and partners unlike the parent: consistent people who can provide unconditional love. And stop looking for sleights; hair-trigger defense systems that developed in the presence of abusive parents often lead people to see ill intentions where they don't exist and end up preemptively sabotaging relationships.
From Psychology Today
I think I should add a book on the subject to my reading list.
current mood:  awake
|
|
|
| Wednesday, August 26th, 2009
| |
9:23 am - The Introvert Disadvantage
|
I recently read a Reuters article about a recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The title was "Average gamer is 35, often overweight and sad: study"
I'm not sure if it was a bias in the study or on the part of the Reuters reporter, but there were a couple things in the article which stood out for me as being insulting.
The first paragraph:
Video games might be regarded as an obsession for youngsters but in fact the average player is aged 35, often overweight, introverted and may be depressed, according to a U.S. study.
And further down:
Adult video gamers also seemed less outgoing, or extroverted, and less social and assertive than non-gamers.
This was consistent with prior research in adolescent video game enthusiasts that tied video game playing to sedentary habits, weight issues and mental health concerns.
Here's a better article about the difference between introverts and extroverts.
I am an introvert. Roughly 25% of the population is made up of introverts. People don't choose to be introverts, and they're not sick. Introverts actually have different brain chemistry from extraverts. In the article "Neurobiology of the structure of personality: Dopamine, facilitation of incentive motivation, and extroversion." published in the journal of Behavioral and Brain Sciences in 1999, it's noted that extroversion has been linked to higher sensitivity of the mesolimbic dopamine system to potentially rewarding stimuli. This in part explains the high levels of positive affect found in extroverts, since they will more intensely feel the excitement of a potential reward. One consequence of this is that extroverts can more easily learn the contingencies for positive reinforcement, since the reward itself is experienced as greater. In the article "Cerebral blood flow and personality: A positron emission tomography study" in the American Journal of Psychiatry, the researchers claimed that introverts have more blood flow in the frontal lobes of their brain and the anterior or frontal thalamus, which are areas dealing with internal processing, such as planning and problem solving. Extroverts have more blood flow in the anterior cingulate gyrus, temporal lobes, and posterior thalamus, which are involved in sensory and emotional experience.
I get really frustrated when I'm told that introversion is some kind of disease. When I was in high school, when I told my guidance counsellor that I'm an introvert, she said "Don't say that! It's not that bad!" Sometimes, being an introvert is hard, but it's mostly because of extroverts who think that introversion is a "mental health concern" to be ridiculed or overcome.
current mood:  aggravated
|
|
|
| Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
| |
7:27 pm - Denial
|
The only way that I've been able to function at all over the last couple of years has been to maintain a certain amount of willful denial about my situation.
Since starting wellbutrin, I've noticed that particular denial is much harder to maintain, and it might begin making life difficult for me soon.
current mood:  worried
|
|
|
| Saturday, August 8th, 2009
| |
9:37 am - Thought and Memory
|
It is said that a man is the sum of his memories.
I've been sick for a very long time. I've spent the last few years in a haze. I have surprisingly few actual memories of the period from roughly 2003 to the present. Most of what I know is what I've written in this journal.
After finally getting health insurance in 2006, doctors tried to determine the cause of my memory problems. I was put in an MRI. I was given many, many tests. More than a year later, a neurologist told me that she believed that my memory problems were actually caused by my anxiety, which was causing me to be unable to concentrate, and thus unable to properly form new memories.
I was fired from my last job because of my memory problems.
When I finally started taking iron pills for my anemia, I did notice a slight improvement to my memory and concentration.
Since taking Wellbutrin, I've noticed further improvements. I haven't reached full strength, and I don't know if it will last, or if will be complete or permanent, but I know there is improvement. Even at my best in the last few years, I was unable to tell you what I'd had for breakfast the that day. Now, I can tell you what I had for breakfast every day this week. It's very encouraging.
I find myself deeply remorseful. I miss Dawn-Marie so much, but I don't know what I did to drive her away. I don't know what I will ever be able to do to earn her forgiveness. In my memory, we had so much love, and so much happiness. It all feels so recent. I must have done something terrible to cause that to end. I feel like I'm waking up to find most of my body amputated.
Will I spend the rest of my life repenting for sins I can't even remember?
current mood:  pensive
|
|
|
| Monday, July 27th, 2009
| |
10:56 am - Wellbutrin
|
I started taking Wellbutrin on Friday.
So far, the biggest side effect I've noticed is insomnia. I think I can live with that.
current mood:  drugged
|
|
|
| Saturday, June 27th, 2009
| |
3:38 pm - Anemia
|
I don't think I've mentioned this here before, so this may be a surprise to people who rely exclusively on this for information.
Roughly two years ago, I found out that I have severe chronic anemia. My doctor ran a number of tests, but has thusfar been unable to detect the cause. About a year ago, I started taking iron pills to treat it. I probably should've been taking pills the entire time, but my doctor didn't tell me to, so I didn't know it would help until I did my own research.
Before taking the pills, I was unable to exert myself for even a few minutes before being unable to catch my breath. If I pushed myself too far, I would actually start to pass out, and only be able to catch my breath if I laid down on my back until I caught my breath. I'd assumed that this was because I am very out of shape, and also assumed that I could slowly increase my stamina by regularly and consistently challenging that limitation. Despite months of trying, my stamina never increased.
Eventually, I started taking iron pills, and within about a week, I saw my stamina increase for the first time. My mood, concentration and memory also improved, although they all remained below the levels I'd experienced while I was in college. Thinking back, I remembered a time when my stamina dramatically decreased overnight. Immediately afterward, my anxiety spiked and I became depressed and unable to function.
Could anemia or whatever's causing the anemia be the cause?
Anemia is a condition in which red blood cells are unable to carry enough oxygen. This explains why I was unable to exert myself. The moment my body needed more oxygen, my blood was simply unable to carry enough. Because this condition was chronic and severe, it means that I spent at least 5 years depriving my organs, including my brain, of oxygen.
Googling the condition, I find that a common sign or symptom of anemia is: "mental changes, including memory loss, confusion, and depression". Could anemia have been what transformed me into a "blackhole of despair"? Over the long term, it can cause organ damage. That includes the brain. That may explain why, despite noted improvements, my memory, mood and concentration remain significantly diminished. I still have large holes in my memory from roughly 2003-2008, and continue to forget important things.
Isn't medicine fun?
current mood:  contemplative
|
|
|
| Thursday, May 14th, 2009
| |
10:59 am - Anniversary
|
Recently, we passed what would've been our 10th anniversary. What was once an important day no longer means anything.
It's a day which reminds me of the happiness which I once knew, and of the dangers of ever truly trusting another human being.
It's a day which reminds me of how quickly a good world can become a hell, and of how often villians are applauded as heroes.
It's a day which reminds me that things fall apart, and that all good things must end.
It's a day which reminds me of how very much I miss my old life, and how difficult it is to count your own blessings without someone to share them with.
It's a day which reminds me that hope and trust and love are lies we tell ourselves in an attempt to make it through just one more day.
One more year alone, signifying nothing.
Am I better off than I was a year ago? On the outside, perhaps my situation has improved. On the inside, however, I feel my background anxiety levels rising. My rage continues to grow. I just keep running and running, trying to outrun these feelings, but they never tire and always catch up. The only chance I ever had at true peace was snatched away by a horrible and evil monster. I can't run forever. I'm getting so tired. I live for a reunion which will never come. What did I do to deserve this?
current mood:  melancholy
|
|
|
| Saturday, April 25th, 2009
| |
9:15 pm - What it's like
|
Imagine for me an outrageous scenario.
Imagine if you lived in a world where everyone carried knives. In this world, it's perfectly acceptible for people to just walk up to you and cut your skin for absolutely no reason. You have no defense against this but to stay out of people's way. If you fail too many times, you begin to get weak from blood loss, and all you can do is stagger home to lay down, try to scab over and replenish your blood.
How would you live in such a world? I think you would stay inside as much as possible, keep your mouth shut and do everything you could to avoid attracting attention. You desperately need to be around people. It hurts to be alone, but it hurts more to be around people.
That's what it's like to have severe social anxiety. That's what it's like to be me.
current mood: melancholy
|
|
|
| Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
| |
2:24 am
|
The tigers come at night.
current mood: melancholy
|
|
|
| Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
| |
12:34 am - Socializing is difficult
|
I don't even know how adults ask each other out. Socializing is difficult. At this rate, I'm going to be alone forever.
current mood: melancholy
|
|
|
| Monday, April 20th, 2009
| |
3:14 am - Anxiety
|
My anxiety level has been really high for the last few weeks. I really wish I had a way to lower it.
current mood:  anxious
|
|
|
| Sunday, March 15th, 2009
| |
11:49 am - Missing her
|
I miss you when I'm sad,
I miss you when I'm lonely,
but most of all I miss you when I'm happy.
current mood:  lonely
|
|
|
| Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
| |
10:44 am - A Woman's Place by the Proclaimers
|
A Woman's place was in my home
Sitting, crying on the sofa
Until she'd stop, I'd face the clock
And then I'd fade away
A woman's place was on her own
While I worked, And when I roam
But in my heart, That woman's love
Became everything
You think you know, you think you've learned
From broken hearts, And fingers burned
But on the streets, In Fife they'd say
A clown finds out the hard way
You’d think they'd know, you'd think they'd learn
From bitter tears, And fingers burned
But in this town, On any day
A clown finds out the hard way
A woman's place is here with me
If I can see it, why can't she?
But now she's gone, I find she's strong
While I just fade away. Boy, I just fade away
current mood: melancholy
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
danthegeek's journal